In the spirit of claiming the week beginning the 8th of April as Spice Girls week, I had a fantastic week and what resulted was a deeper love for all things Spice, but sadly, also an utter disbelief in the human race.
Over the weekend I conducted an Instagram poll to determine everyone's favourite Spice Girl and the results were truly shocking. In overwhelming numbers the people spoke and they voted... Baby Spice as their favourite. I feel like I just need to let that sentence sit for a moment because, it is in fact, somehow what the people decided. Coming in second was Sporty, followed by Scary, Posh and Ginger.
I'm starting a new paragraph now mainly because I'm in shock, but also because I just don't know what to say. Baby Spice. The favourite. You have got to be kidding me! I was genuinely expecting an even split between Scary and Sporty but boy was I wrong. Naturally, I had to take a few days to regroup, hence why Spice Week is finishing a day later than planned.
Like Hillary contemplating another Presidential run, I had a lot to consider. Should I fade into obscurity in the face of injustice, or should I rise like a phoenix and show all of you the right way to live? With the wise lispy words of Bill Clinton in my ear I decided to pen my own version of What Happened and rank, once and for all, the Spice Girls. In writing this my hopes lie in the fact that it will be so comprehensive that the greater population will see the error of their ways and fall in line accordingly. So, without further ado, the Spice Girls' definitive rankings from worst to best.
5. Victoria (Posh Spice) Beckham
There is so much to say about Posh it's almost hard to find where to start. I think the most logical place to begin is at the exact point where I realised her worth (or lack thereof) to the group- the Wannabe music video. It's the band's first big single, their statement to the world of boy bands and female haters and the song showcases everyone except Victoria? Strange that. It's almost an underhanded way of saying that we all matter, yet VB, not so much.
The Wannabe music video also provided another low point for Mrs David Beckham. The video is simply the first of many examples where we find Posh at least half a count behind the others in terms of dance moves. It's embarrassing and a little off putting to look at and instead of partaking in the zig-a-zig-ah I'm looking at Victoria, who is looking at the other girls trying to get an idea of what the next step might be.
While sporting some terrific outfits and hairstyles, Victoria always seems to distract rather than add to the overall picture. In every film clip I'm basically waiting for her to throw a hand up at the wrong time, or I'm distracted by her repeated insistence on playing this game with herself (it seems) to see how far out she can stretch her left arm.
With all of this in mind, I did have a moral dilemma of sorts putting Posh Spice this low down in the count. She provided the refinement, the human equivalent of snapping your finger and the star power to the group- I mean she ended up being the biggest sport star in the world's wife. Where your Scary Spice was rough around the edges, Posh was polished and added that element of sophistication to a band that screamed rowdy.
I do also acknowledge that in the live performances Posh is treated to the bigger whoops and woos from the crowd however this isn't because she's fantastic. I feel that this is more of a supportive move from the crowd as its been well documented that she struggles with stage fright, coupled with music's worst kept secret that she performs with a microphone that is more stage prop than musical apparatus.
However when weighing it all up, Posh comes in last, not for lack of trying, but perhaps more from a lack of ability.
4. Emma (Baby Spice) Bunton
To all of the people who voted for Baby Spice as their favourite band member, please explain yourselves. I'm not being sarcastic here (for once) I am genuinely confused. I have watched music video after music video, live performances and Spice World and I am still not entirely sure what Baby adds.
Her voice is good sure but its not really earth shattering. I also think the Baby nickname is the most bland of the group. It doesn't really speak to personality, it more highlights the fact that she is the youngest.
Nicknames aside, Baby really is a confusing choice for me. You don't pick her as your favourite because she's the best singer, dancer or the best personality, so, what is it? The only thing I can put my finger on is something that a fellow Spice worshipper pointed out to me- the fact that she often gets to belt out the most relatable lines. From Say You'll Be There- last time that we had this conversation I decided we should be friends... but now we're going round in circles tell me will this deja vu never end... to Stop- and we know that you could go and find some other, take or leave it or just don't even bother.
While we might appreciate Baby for always keeping it real in the lyrics that she sings, for me that isn't enough to rank her any higher than her current position, but I do commend her on always presenting with a smile. With Baby it was never in doubt that every time she stepped onstage, she was living her best life. And that most definitely contributed to the lightness of the band.
3. Geri (Ginger Spice) Halliwell
Ginger's ranking might have you all baffled considering the extent to which I have roasted her in past blogs. However, like a true professional, I am putting personal opinions aside to give you the most accurate rankings possible.
A big reason for why Ginger ranks so highly is simply because when she left, the band fell apart. They recorded an album without her and it flopped and to me that speaks volumes. Ginger has undoubtedly caused a lot of pain to the girls and the fandom, but one simple fact remains- there would be no Spice Girls without her. She coined the name, she fought for Wannabe to be their lead single and most of all, she would often present the girls with song ideas and only then would they add the lyrics.
Geri may not be the strongest singer of the bunch, but she does add a different range to the mix that helps the band move from ballads to pop smashes with ease. If I think about the Spice Girls I couldn't imagine their legacy had such important songs like Viva Forever, (and all of the other songs Geri started) simply not existed.
Also never forget, Ginger Spice popularised Girl Power in the 90s.
For that fact alone, Ginger comes in at number three. You never know how irreplaceable someone is until they go and quite simply Geri was irreplaceable, the four piece band wasn't the same without her.
2. Melanie (Scary Spice) Brown
Scary Spice is the Spice Girls. Her energy, her personality, her aura, it simply encapsulates Spice. I'm super surprised that Scary ranked so low in my Instagram poll. For me, she is everything that is great about the Spice Girls and if you took her out of the equation, you would have four mild mannered girls singing pop songs, sans a lot of oomph.
Scary is the type of entertainer you pay money to see because along with being humorous, you simply never know what they are going to do next. She is both unforgettable and irreplaceable because without her, the Spice Girls would be quite bland. With Scary in the band the yelling and chanting in the songs make sense because it is just so her. A lot of the loudest moments in Spice songs belong to Scary because she can pull them off and instead of these incredibly brash things being yelled into your headset being uncomfortable, they are like a shot of energy that makes you want to get up and dance.
It really is the little things with Mel B, like the fact that Wannabe wouldn't be the same had it not started with her footsteps as she runs up to the microphone. That kind of energy is contagious and if you're going to have a successful pop career, you need energy in spades. Another great thing about Mel B is her ability to be versatile. That iconic accent can translate into a loud singing style, or when needed, a low whisper that adds emotional gravitas to songs like Viva Forever.
I can also acknowledge that Scary isn't for everyone. She can be abrasive but you've got to admire someone who can speak their mind whatever the cost. I mean, what are the Spice Girls without the spice that Scary undoubtedly provides.
1. Melanie (Sporty Spice) Chisholm
Sporty Spice is the MVP of the Spice Girls. For a band, a major factor that needs to be taken into consideration is the vocal goods, and God gave that to Sporty in spades. That voice is utter perfection and quite frankly puts all of the other girls on notice. From lyrics intended to be sung in a low register to coming in over the top and singing certain phrases in a higher vocal fold, Sporty can do it all.
Without Sporty Spice, Spice tunes are songs that are sung on the same level with no room for high notes or even the lower notes. What Sporty does well is add another layer to the Spice Girls. It would be easy to overtake the songs with such a powerful voice, yet instead, Sporty only adds to what the girls are saying, rather than trying to distract from it.
I mean, surely one of the greatest sung lyrics in pop history has to be I want a man, not a boy who thinks he CAAAANNNNNN. You don't just read that lyric you sing it, heck, if you're in the car about to merge onto a busy freeway in peak hour traffic you're still going to scream those lyrics out at the top of your lungs.
Another plus for Sporty is the fact that she isn't afraid to be herself. She was in a girl group with very feminine women, yet she was comfortable enough to rock around in custom track suits and sneakers and boy do I respect that.
If you go back and watch footage from their tours back in the day, most of the girls sound a little different to how their voices come across on their CDs, but not Sporty. Her voice is the same during a recording session as it is live on stage. She could have even sprinted from one end of Wembley's stage to the other and not missed a single note.
At the end of the day the Spice Girls are a band and they need to be judged on the basis of the music and their performances and every single time Sporty Spice comes out on top.
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